A Call to Love, Kindness, and Empathy

"Rachel Delevoryas," by Randy Stonehill

We've all witnessed all too often the inhumanity that human beings show to each other.  We can think of large-scale situations like the current war between the Israelis and the Palestinians, the war in Ukraine, and many, many other examples.  We can also think of more small-scale but still serious and painful realities like middle school or high school students being bullied by other students.  We can think of the mean and harsh ways people so often talk to each other online.  In so many ways every day, people behave in ways that are hurtful to each other and often don't seem to really care, or not to care very much at least.  People are insulted, ridiculed, abandoned, betrayed, left out, etc.

I want to call all of us to something different - to love, kindness, and empathy, both in large-scale settings and in everyday life.

This can sound kind of cliche-ish and Hallmarky.  (Wow, I just discovered that "Hallmarky" is actually a word that is in some dictionaries!)  But I want to encourage people to really reflect on this more deeply.  Love, empathy, and kindness are not ideas for wimps and sentimentalists.  We have really good reasons why these characteristics should be at the heart of how we interact with everyone.  I want to point out three foundations in support of putting these things at the center: an experiential foundation, a philosophical foundation, and a theological foundation.

Experiential

Why are people motivated to treat other people with meanness, cruelty, and inhumanity?  To be honest, I really don't get it.  Well, maybe that's not entirely true.  There are times when I am angry and can understand the desire for someone to experience the pain I think they deserve.  I am often too self-focused and overly apathetic about the needs and well-being of others.  But for me, at least when I have the presence of mind to be aware, I find that I do not wish people harm.  I think that's at least partly because I can't help but see particular situations in light of a larger reality.  My perspective is shaped by my philosophical and theological views, but even without looking at these explicitly, there are experiential reasons for empathy and kindness.  Here we are, thrown into this world without our knowledge or consent, given no built-in instruction manual.  It doesn't take us very long to learn that bad things can happen to us here.  Babies typically cry almost immediately after birth, if they are not crying at times in the womb.  Why?  Because of something we all know only too well - that reality often presents us with a disconnect between our desires and what actually is.  Thus is born sadness, frustration, anger, and all negative emotional experiences.

But here's the thing:  We're all in this together.  You, too, were thrown into this world without your knowledge and consent, just like me.  We're the same.  This world is a frightening, lonely, bewildering place.  We all frequently feel inadequate to face it.  We need, and we crave, the love, empathy, and kindness of others.  We desperately want people to see us for who we really are and to love and accept us and comfort us, to be companions to us.  We want to be loved and valued - not rejected, or even merely tolerated.

How often do we really reflect on the reality that other people actually exist?  There is a point of view called "solipsism," which holds that we do not really know whether or not other people exist.  But the vast majority of us are not solipsists.  If we were asked whether we believe in the existence of other people, we would say "Yes, of course!", and look at the person who asked us the question as if we thought them a bit crazy.  But do we really believe in the existence of other people besides ourselves?  If so, why does this not have a much greater practical effect on our lives?  There I am in a room with other people.  That person over there in the corner on the opposite side of the room - that person is a real person, just like me.  That person, too, was thrown into this world without their knowledge and consent.  They, too, have an inner life.  They think, they observe the world around them, they question, they feel.  They get scared, and feel lonely, and want to be loved.  They want to be happy, just like I do.  Just like me.  Don't pass that by too quickly.  Stop and think about it.  Let it sink in.  That person over there has an inner life that is just as real as mine.  How can I possibly be aware of the existence of such an "other I" and not feel drawn by the deepest feeling of kinship and connection?  How can I see them hurt, abused, insulted, rejected, mistreated, abandoned, and not feel that?  Much less, how can I be the intentional cause of their pain and hurt and not care?  How could I possibly want to do that?  In my most profound moments of pain, grief, and loneliness, I sometimes think about all the other people out there in the world who are experiencing the same sorts of feelings, and I find myself desperately wishing that this was a world where everyone could be happy.  My sense of the unhappiness that I know is out there in the world in the inner lives of other people is added to my own pain.

Over the past year-and-a-half, I have gone through, by far, the hardest period of my entire life.  I have found that this experience has had the effect of increasing my sensitivity to the reality of other people's pain in the world and has produced in me a great desire for all people to be happy.  I have been more consciously aware than I ever have been in the past that I have the power to help make people happy.  I have had a greater sense of my own agency - that I can make choices in my interactions with people, and I have the power, by means of my choices, to help make people happier or to hurt them.  I can comfort those who are lonely.  I can provide a safe place for people to question, to express hurts and fears, to let down their guard and relax a bit and be themselves.  I can encourage people and help them see their own beauty and value.  I can be a companion and provide friendship.  And I love that I can do these things!  I choose to live in the world in such a way as to be a source of happiness and not pain.  Why?  Because other people are real too.  We are all the same.

Why do we alienate each other, look with disgust or suspicion on each other, and create distances between ourselves and others?  Yes, of course we have to be careful, for there are people who will hurt us.  But do we not want to overcome these barriers as much as we can, as far as it depends on us?  Why do we not want to increase the range of our friendships and draw everybody in insofar as it is possible?  Yes, we will find we have more in common with some people than with others, and thus will have personal friends who are closer than other people, but, on the basic level of human fellowship, why are we not more drawn to go out of our circles and make friends with other people?  Why do we let ourselves be divided into little sects based on religion, political views, culture, etc., and then ignore everyone outside of our circles?  And not only ignore them, but treat them only as labels and not as real persons in our thoughts, attitudes, and actions?  Do not those other people in the other circles exist too?  Are they not as real as we are?  Aren't Democrats and liberals real people - people who feel happy, sad, angry, lonely, who want to be loved and valued?  Aren't Republicans and Trump-supports real people too?  Don't they have real, inner lives?  Aren't they just like us at the most basic level?  What does that mean for us?  Why does that not affect us more profoundly?  Are not Christians, atheists, pagans, Jews, Muslims, etc., just like us?  People in other countries and cultures, other races?  People who have very different life circumstances?  People in nuclear families?  Single, unmarried mothers?  People living on the streets?  Gang members?  Soldiers?  People who oppose abortion?  People who get abortions?  Trans people?  Those who have concerns about current ways of thinking about transgender?  People who make us nervous when we pass them walking down the street?  People who annoy us?  The person working at the check-out aisle at Walmart?  That person who says irritating things in comments online?  People in reality TV shows?  People who do dumb things in the news?  People who act in ways we don't understand, even to the point of hurting others?  Aren't they all real people?  What does that mean for us?  Do we really believe it?

We're all in this together.  Let's stop being selfish and self-centered.  Stop holding grudges.  Stop snubbing.  Stop insulting people and laughing at their hurt feelings.  Stop interacting with people with little barbs of harshness and cruelty.  Stop rejecting people, abandoning them, betraying them, treating them like problems to sweep out of our lives.  Stop torturing and killing them, bombing them, declaring war on them, destroying families, leaving parents without their children or children without their parents.  (Really, it boggles my mind how people can conduct warfare the way they do.  How can people so callously take actions that lead to a small child sitting in front of a bombed house crying because their parents and family are dead?  Is this really the world we want to live in, where things like that happen?  Do we really believe in the existence of those children?  Whatever our justifications are for conflict, is it really worth this?)  Instead, let's really see all the people in this world.  Let's recognize that they are like us, that they are "another I".  Let's love them, treat them with kindness, encourage them, comfort them, do what we can to ease the pains and difficulties of this world, and help them be happier.  Why the heck not?!  Why would we want to do anything else?  We get so closed in on ourselves.  Let's wake up and see things for how they really are and act like it.  Sure, there are problems that have to be worked out.  There are disputes over property and land.  There are other causes of tension, both small and great.  But why do we not deal with these things in a spirit of empathy and kindness?  Just because someone has a dispute with me doesn't give me any reason to be any less kind or empathetic.  They are still "another I".  If we really lived that way, think of how different a place this world would be.  Don't we want it to be that way?  Well, we don't have to just muse about it.  We have power.  We can't change everything, but we can change a lot of things within the sphere of our own lives, our relationships, and our influence.  Let's do what we can with what we have to make the world a happier place.

Philosophical

OK, hopefully, if you're a human being, what I've already said has given you strong reasons to want to live with empathy, love, and kindness.  But you might be a solipsist.  Maybe you've really convinced yourself that you are the only person who really exists.  Or maybe you are a hardcore materialistic nihilist, and your response is, "Look, other people are real, but we're all just meat puppets born of billions of years of mindless evolution.  Consciousness is just an illusion flowing out of the interactions of matter.  Nothing really matters.  So, sure, I could be more empathetic.  But if I'd rather learn better to shut off my mind from empathy so I can exploit people and use them for my own selfish ends, why shouldn't I do that?"

Well, for one thing, even if you're right that nothing objectively matters, etc., it is still arguable that you personally will enjoy life more if you cultivate rather than stifle your natural impulses and abilities towards empathy and wanting to be a contributing member of human society.  We humans are herd creatures.  Whatever you believe about our nature on a more metaphysical level, we are not biologically designed to exist in alienation from or in opposition to our community.  It takes a toll on us when we do so.  I think it highly likely that the best way to be a happy person in this world, at least for most people most of the time, is to strike a balance between empathy and service to others on the one hand and adequate self-care on the other.  I think this is true considering only our biological nature.  It's even more true when we get into the metaphysical realities.  So don't you want to be happier?  Don't you want to get more out of life?  It may be meaningless, but you're here anyway, so why not try to enjoy it more?  It's at least worth considering.

But there are deeper realities to consider.  There are philosophical observations to make.  Now, this could be an extremely large topic.  To really delve into this holistically, I would want to talk about the nature of knowledge and how it is attained, the nature of Being, the relationship between mind and matter, the existence of God, etc.  I'm obviously not going to try to do all of this right here and now.  But let me try briefly to delve into a couple of things.

Consciousness is real:  Those who deny the existence of consciousness, dismissing it as an illusion produced by mind-independent material activity, are, I think, taking literally the most absurd position that a person could possibly take philosophically.  Why?  Because consciousness is the only thing we actually have any direct evidence of.  It's all we actually experience.  If there is anything beyond or other than consciousness, we cannot perceive it or experience it.  We could only infer it from our conscious experience.

Perhaps I ought briefly to define what I mean by "consciousness."  I mean "1st person experience."  Consciousness is the condition of being the subject of experiences - that is, being the one having experiences.

So you can see why it is self-evident that consciousness exists.  (A "self-evident" claim is "a claim that carries its own evidence within itself such that to understand it is to see that it must be true.")  We directly experience consciousness, or 1st-person experience.  That is all we ever experience.  There is no way it could not exist.  We can be wrong about all sorts of things.  I could think there is a table across the room from me, but maybe it is an illusion caused by a holographic projector, etc.  But I can't be mistaken in thinking that I am having a table-like experience.  I've clearly got the experience, whatever it is that explains why I have it.  That I have the experience is something I can directly, without any intermediary, see to be true.  It is self-evident.

Therefore, the form of the materialist position that says that consciousness is not real is an absurd position because it denies the one thing we actually have direct, self-evident awareness of.  And it affirms the existence of something for which, I would argue, we actually have no evidence.  (For more on this last point, if you're interested, see here and here.)

Why does this matter?  It matters because consciousness is where we find feelings - happiness, suffering, joy, fear, pain, etc.  These things are not just illusions produced by the mechanical operations of mindless matter.  They are the kind of stuff reality is ultimately made of.

Universal consciousness is the objective reality:  OK, so consciousness exists.  But how do you know other people's consciousnesses exist and not just yours?

If you reflect on your own experience, you can see that it does not encompass the whole of reality.  How can you tell that?  Because your experience is limited.  Look at the space around you and the objects in it.  You are seeing all of that from one particular vantage point, and that one vantage point exists in the midst of an infinite number of other possible vantage points.  You could move slightly to the left and see things slightly differently.  You could move slightly to the right.  You could climb something and see from up higher.  You could lie on the floor or the ground (if you are not already doing so) and see things from a lower perspective.  You could move a significant distance south, north, east, or west.  If you did any or all of these things, you would then see aspects of reality that you were missing from your previous vantage point.  But there are an infinite number of potential vantage points from which to view everything!  In the end, then, your experience is an infinitesimal sliver of reality.  Reality viewed from an objective, unlimited point of view would be very different.

This has profound ethical implications.  To be selfish or self-centered or to lack empathy is to act as if you believe that your own experiences in your inner life are more real than other people's.  But this is completely incorrect!  From an objective point of view, all vantage points are as equally real as yours.  The objective point of view - the "God's eye" point of view, if you will - encompasses them all equally.  So self-centeredness is ultimately a kind of delusion or ignorance.  It is rooted in the illusion that your point of view is more real than other people's.  The more we see the world the way it really is, the more our viewpoint becomes objective and less obscured by illusion, the more we will truly believe in and take seriously the experiences - the joys, the fears, the desires, the pains, etc. - of everyone else, and therefore the more empathetic we will be and the more we will care about the happiness of all beings (and not just humans either by the way - all sentient beings!).

A philosophically-inclined person might ask, at this point, how we know that other created beings exist.  Perhaps I know that I exist because I have direct experience of my existence.  And perhaps I know that God exists because there has to exist a universal vantage point and a consciousness where that vantage point exists and is experienced.  (In other words, you can't have an actually-existing "God's eye" point of view without an actually-existing God.)  But how do I know other limited beings exist?  How do I know they are not just illusions, even if their experiences would be equally real to mine if they did actually exist?  It would take too long to make a full argument with regard to this now, but I will say that I approach this similarly to the way Rene Descartes did:  Once we've shown that unlimited being - God - exists, we can logically show various things that must be true about God's nature.  One of those things is that he cannot be deceptive because his experience consists only of truth and love of truth, since he is the fullness of all Being and all Good.  The world that comes from him, then, cannot have an intrinsically deceptive design.  Therefore, if the world is clearly set up in such a way as to create the appearance that other sentient beings exist, as it clearly is, then it must be the case that they actually do exist.  Therefore, other created beings exist.

It also follows from all of this that God is omnibenevolent.  That is, God loves the happiness of all beings and hates the suffering of all beings.  He cannot be otherwise, because all the experiences of all conscious beings are a part of his own experience.  If I am happy, my happiness is a part of God's experience.  If I experience pain, that pain is a part of God's experience.  True, God experiences these things differently, because he is seeing and experiencing the whole forest whereas I am only experiencing one particular leaf on one particular tree.  But God not only sees the whole forest; he also sees all the individual leaves, for they are part of the forest.  It is not like when a person goes up in an airplane and can see only the big picture but not the smaller details.  God's point of view sees all things, both the big picture and the smallest details that make it up.  So God cannot delight in the pain of any being, and he must be inclined towards the happiness of every being, for all beings (by definition) love happiness and hate pain when it is a part of their experience.

In short, we should love our fellow human beings (and all beings) because they truly exist, and their existence is just as real as ours.  From our limited point of view, it looks like we and our experiences are more real than other people and their experiences.  But this is an illusion created by the distance between our limited point of view and the universal, objective, God's-eye point of view that encompasses all that is.  All the experiences and feelings of all beings exist in the objective viewpoint of the universal consciousness and therefore have objective value whether we personally feel this experientially or not.  So empathy is more than just a subjective feeling.  There is an objective reality behind it.  Empathy can be a choice of the will rooted in awareness of the reality of the existence and value of other beings as we learn to see things from a more objective, universal point of view.

Theological

Christian theology agrees with what we've seen from experience and from philosophy.  In the Christian view, God himself is love (1 John 4:8).  Love is the chief characteristic of his life.  At the heart of reality, God exists as a Trinity of Persons who are forever blessed as they share life and love with each other.  Love is what created the world, as God chose to let that Trinitarian love overflow into creation.  We are saved by love.  Our salvation from sin and misery has come about because God the Son died on the cross to save us.  He gave his life out of love for us and love for his Father.  God is “merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy” (Psalm 103:8).

God loves himself and his own happiness, for he is the Supreme Good.  To the extent that we exist, we share in God's life, and so we have objective value and dignity.  We have seen that God is omnibenevolent.  He is the ultimate empath; all the experiences and feelings of all creatures are a part of his experience because he is the universal consciousness.

Scripture teaches us that the ultimate moral obligation is to love God supremely and to love our neighbors (our fellow beings) as ourselves (Deuteronomy 6:4-5; Leviticus 19:17-18; Matthew 22:34-39).  The Bible is full of passages teaching and encouraging us to have empathy and compassion, to love our enemies, to seek the happiness and well-being of others, to forgive, etc.  Here is a sample:

You shall not wrong or oppress a resident alien, for you were aliens in the land of Egypt. You shall not abuse any widow or orphan. If you do abuse them, when they cry out to me, I will surely heed their cry; my wrath will burn, and I will kill you with the sword, and your wives shall become widows and your children orphans. If you lend money to my people, to the poor among you, you shall not deal with them as a creditor; you shall not exact interest from them.  If you take your neighbor’s cloak in pawn, you shall restore it before the sun goes down; for it may be your neighbor’s only clothing to use as cover; in what else shall that person sleep? And if your neighbor cries out to me, I will listen, for I am compassionate (Exodus 22:21-27, New Revised Standard Version Catholic Edition [NRSVCE], verse numbers and footnotes removed and formatting slightly edited, here and in subsequent quotes further down).

When you come upon your enemy’s ox or donkey going astray, you shall bring it back. When you see the donkey of one who hates you lying under its burden and you would hold back from setting it free, you must help to set it free (Exodus 23:4-5, NRSVCE).

Shout out, do not hold back! Lift up your voice like a trumpet! Announce to my people their rebellion, to the house of Jacob their sins. Yet day after day they seek me and delight to know my ways, as if they were a nation that practiced righteousness and did not forsake the ordinance of their God; they ask of me righteous judgments, they delight to draw near to God. "Why do we fast, but you do not see? Why humble ourselves, but you do not notice?" Look, you serve your own interest on your fast day and oppress all your workers. Look, you fast only to quarrel and to fight and to strike with a wicked fist. Such fasting as you do today will not make your voice heard on high. Is such the fast that I choose, a day to humble oneself? Is it to bow down the head like a bulrush, and to lie in sackcloth and ashes? Will you call this a fast, a day acceptable to the Lord?

Is not this the fast that I choose: to loose the bonds of injustice, to undo the thongs of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke? Is it not to share your bread with the hungry, and bring the homeless poor into your house; when you see the naked, to cover them, and not to hide yourself from your own kin? Then your light shall break forth like the dawn, and your healing shall spring up quickly; your vindicator shall go before you, the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard. Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer; you shall cry for help, and he will say, Here I am (Isaiah 58:1-9, NRSVCE).

The Lord enters into judgment with the elders and princes of his people: It is you who have devoured the vineyard; the spoil of the poor is in your houses. What do you mean by crushing my people, by grinding the face of the poor? says the Lord God of hosts (Isaiah 3:14-15, NRSVCE).

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’  But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,  so that you may be children of your Father in heaven; for he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the righteous and on the unrighteous.  For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same?  And if you greet only your brothers and sisters, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect" (Matthew 5:43-48, NRSVCE).

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another; do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly; do not claim to be wiser than you are. Do not repay anyone evil for evil, but take thought for what is noble in the sight of all. If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave room for the wrath of God; for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” No, “if your enemies are hungry, feed them; if they are thirsty, give them something to drink; for by doing this you will heap burning coals on their heads.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good (Romans 12:14-21).

Just to be clear:  Choosing love and kindness does not mean tolerating intolerable injustices, neglecting important personal boundaries, or letting people treat us or others in a way that lacks respect for our dignity as persons and our necessary self-care.  Scripture and the Christian tradition have always recognized balance in this area.  Sometimes conflict is unavoidable.  Sometimes we have to fight to defend what is right.  Sometimes we have to say no to people.  We strive for justice to be done and we rejoice when it is done, even when justice involves the defeat of those who do evil and their facing of the consequences of their evil.  We see this reflected in Scripture in the imprecatory psalms, the calls for justice to be done in the prophets, and many other places.  But what choosing the way of love does mean is that we never lose sight of empathy, love, and kindness, even in the midst of necessary conflicts.  We always recognize that our enemies are our fellow human beings and we continue to empathize with them.  We desire their welfare and seek it as we have opportunity.  We do not wish for those who do evil to do well and be happy without repentance, but we wish them to find happiness through repentance - that is, through recognizing and owning up to unloving attitudes and actions, facing them and dealing with the consequences, making up as best they can for what they've done wrong, and working to heal what is broken (in themselves, in others, and in the world).  Love and justice are not at odds.  Justice is rooted in love, and love is always just.  We avoid an unloving legalism on the one hand, and an apathetic sentimentalism on the other.  This is part of what St. Paul meant in the quotation above (Romans 12) when he talked about "leaving room for the wrath of God" and "heaping burning coals on their head."  When we do good in return for evil, when we return love for hate, we show up our enemies' evil for what it really is, and this brings them to the brink of judgment where they have to face their evil and its consequences - and, at that brink, they can either turn from their evil by repentance and be saved through the flames or they can go down with the ship.  We would not have evil go unchecked or unpunished, but we would have our enemies repent and be saved.  And if they do so, we will strive to welcome them home with open arms.  That is true forgiveness - not excusing or ignoring evils or abandoning the call of justice, but being willing to continue to love and to seek the good of those who have harmed us.  We may have to keep up boundaries of various sorts at times for our self-protection, but, even when this is so, we do it with an attitude of love and empathy and a willingness to receive our enemies into our fellowship as our brothers and sisters in the human race (and, if we and our enemies are Christians, as our brothers and sisters in Christ).  This does not mean necessarily that we must become friends or personally close, but it means that we choose peace and unity rather than division and conflict so far as it depends on us.

Conclusion

There is not much more to add.  Reflect deeply within yourself.  Do you recognize each and every one of your fellow human beings as "another I"?  Do your attitudes and actions reflect that reality?  You have a choice.  What kind of person do you want to be?  Will you further the hate and pain of the world, or will you choose to use your agency and power and influence to bring healing and happiness to yourself and to others?  That is the ultimate question.

Published on the feast of St. Henry II.